It's 3:52 am. The past hour has been spent lying in the dark with things swirling around my mind again, this time drawing relations with people and likening it to other relations to help myself understand things better.

Finally got some things figured out

(this post is more or less centered around myself, my problems and my own solutions so.. yeah)

Read some articles about ambivalence to help myself understand situations a little better. At least more aware that the way I feel towards everything is centered around this certain problem. Perhaps not entirely, but to a very great extent. There isn't a need to explain so I shall just paste the link of the articles here.

How to deal with ambivalence during long relationships - strictly speaking this one's for ambivalent people who are dating, and I'm not, but it's very much like friendships right.

Ambivalence - the psychic evolution - this one's abit more dry, so read it only if you think you're like that too.

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Don't know how I always end up forcing others to give up on me. At the same time, I need to know there's someone who truly cares about me. Now there's another problem. I long for someone to truly care, but I don't let anyone in.

So I've never confided in anyone because I'd rather not. Cause you need to be able to solve your own problems for the problem to be solved. All we need is a person to rant to, not advice, and someone whom you care about enough, someone who will rant to you too. I'll feel guilty if it's a one-sided relationship. Somehow I just make it really clear to myself who I care for, and who I don't. Is that bad?

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My friend tried giving me advice but we ended up hurting each other. I even got very annoyed and was that close to saying hurtful words to stop him from saying anything more. It only got better when he decided not to care anymore and allowed me to rant, I think we both discovered something in the end. I know I'm a jerk cause he only had good intentions and all I can say is sorry for being like that. Thankyou for letting me know you care, but really, all I can say is sorry and I can't make it easier for others to care. There's nobody else who has shown me so much concern and for the very first time, through you, I found a reason to care for someone. Somehow, I think I'll be able to not ignore others as easily as I did. Anyhow, I'm sorry.


I'm too obsessed with this whole issue of selfishness, in myself and others. It's not necessarily for a bad intention and it might not do harm, it might actually be a win-win situation on the surface but deep down inside, all we're thinking of is ourselves. This statement looks flawed on it's own, there's enough reasoning for it to make sense. Just too complicated to explain now.

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My heart's cold. I push people aside if I feel they're not as important to me for certain reasons. I refuse to let myself take advantage of them, by talking to them only when I need to and ignoring when I don't need to. 'cause I can't force myself to be nice when I don't mean it, it feels so superficial to me. So I'd rather we not talk at all.

But would I really rather we not talk at all? What is it that my heart needs? What is it that I need? That others need?